haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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