So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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