I just saw a hot homeless man
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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