Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
is that a dick in a sweater?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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