after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
