I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
