Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
