that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize