Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize