he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
