i jhust puked up my retainher.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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