i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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