the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
