Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
