I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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