In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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