already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
