I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
