i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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