I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
