when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i already hear my dad disowning me
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize