On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
