tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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