sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Randomize
