grandma shit on top of the toilet
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
