the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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