was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
