I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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