just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
