so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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