Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
