When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
