It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Those nachos came to me in a dream
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
