So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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