I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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