I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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