First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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