Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm getting married
To pizza
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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