About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
