I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
