theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
