Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
