I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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