Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
