I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
