Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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