i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
