should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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