The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
