You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
