you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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