you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
