Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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