just survived the first fart of the relationship.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
