i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
